Dead F*cking Last (DFL)

So, yesterday I met with my running group - we meet on Saturdays at 7am.  It is about 35, cold to me. My coach has on sort sleeves and shorts...what the ?

We run a 1 mile warm up...do some different stretches and then we are to run 4 miles at about 85-90% of our goal 5k pace.  I haven't done this in weeks.  I am so f*cking out of running shape.  The week before I got hurt in the marathon, I ran a 5k with a PR pace of 8:01.  I am having a struggle to keep it under 10:00.  Needless to say, I am DFL in the group.  I am *trying* not to think about what the coaches may or may not be thinking....

So, what did I learn?  Somebody has to be DFL.  perhaps it is high time I take my turn at it and realize it isn't the end of the world.  At least I am running, right?  I fully believe my time will come back and as it is coming along I need to remember to be grateful and to fully respect whoever takes my place in that position, if I even notice who that is.  I could not even tell you who it has been in the past.  I learned that I am really going to have to put in some quality time getting back...and we have a vacation coming up.  Running on vacation can be a sore spot with my husband....it cuts into my drinking time in the evening, it makes me get out of bed early and it lets me run in new, interesting places - which he tends to see as probably dangerous.  We will work it out so that I do not have to do all of it on a treadmill - outside *should* be awesome,  little warm and a little/ a lot humid.

My running program called for 45 minutes of easy running today - It felt pretty good.  I took it slow, avg pace of 10:32.  There is some heel pain but not much.  It was a little windy but I am certainly not complaining - and it was about 50 outside.  I listened to a new (to me) podcast called "Life is a Marathon - this one was on morning routines.  Most of it I do already but he talked about a "vision board" that he reviews each morning - it contains pictures of goals and things he wants to obtain in the future.  I think I will make one too.

In about an hour I am meeting with my new Tri coach.  I am pretty excited about that, although I feel pretty fat in this Tri suit...it is what it is and that is what he wants me to swim in today.  I am setting my intention that this will be a very positive experience and that I will learn great things from him.

Day 2 of No Heel Pain

Today I am hopeful and VERY Optimistic the maybe, just maybe, plantar fasciitis is GONE.  For now anyway.

I did not have pain yesterday or yet today..and I don't plan to have any :).

I am going to meet up with my running group in the morning.  They will kick my ass and I will love it.

I am going to try so very hard NOT to take running for granted.  I need to remember to be so very thankful for the opportunity to run and for the ability to run.  I need to remember this when runs go well as well as when runs do not go as planned.  Probably especially when runs to not go as planned.

I need to remember that I am weeks behind in running fitness and that is OK, I do not need to kill myself trying to get back to where I was, it will come back soon enough.

I have been all over the place emotionally this week.  I started out the week (Sunday and Monday) having a really hard time preventing myself from slipping down the depression black hole over not being able to run.  I know it is a slippery slope and it is so very difficult to not listen to the lies it tells.
Tuesday I said F*CK IT and ran/walked a little over 4 miles.  I loved it and it did me a world of good mentally and let me know how really far I may have slipped in 6 weeks of not running.  It's ok, I know I will be back at some point.

Wednesday I had some pain but not too  much - I was totally willing to just accept that the little pain I felt might just be as good as it gets.  I also FINALLY talked to a Tri coach and have a meeting setup on Sunday for him to evaluate my swimming skills or, err, lack there of.

Random - I had 2 visual migraines on Thursday and 1 today.  It's been a long time since I had one and I do not remember having 2 in one day, ever.   Maybe related to the emotional roller coaster week?

This is similar to what happens to be during a visual migraine -

You've come a Long Way, Baby

I rarely look back or think about how far I have come.  I am more embarrassed about where I was than I proud of where I am now.  I need to reverse that logic.  I have a lot to be proud of.  So, I am going to try to construct a time line of events over the last few years, some of this is from my faulty memory, some from race dates I can find on line....here we go.

January 2012 - Health screening at work.  My numbers suck.  I am fat.  I am out of shape.  All my numbers suck - blood pressure, cholesterol, cardiac risk, etc.  Am assigned to a health coach - have my first phone call with her. I am 47.  I weigh more than I ever have.  I need to lose about 40 pounds. I have been smoking for over 30 years.  I eat candy every single day - like theater size boxes of candy, have been eating candy every day for over 40 years.  I snore like a train.  I take tums daily.  I eat crap.  I drink way too much.

March 2012 - Health coach has convinced me to get off my ass.  I join a boot camp class.  I suck at class and I am horrified at how badly I suck.  I can hardly recognize myself.  It took every single thing I had not to come in last in all the drills.  Last.  WTF?  Health coach has convinced me to eat one serving of vegetables a day, I don't have to take anything away, just add the vegetable.

April 2012 - I continue with boot camp several times a week.  I am getting better at it.  Still disgusted with myself.  I am depressed and probably have been for a long time.  The exercise is helping.  I am up to 2 vegetables a day.

May 2012 - Still in boot camp but it ends and I join the YMCA.  I start walking TO the YMCA, working out and walking back to my car - at least a mile each way.  I am losing some weight and I feel better.

June 2012 - I get a fitbit.  I start logging all my food.  I am religious about logging everything that goes in my mouth.  I join in with other fitbit users online and we compete - I kick most of their asses in the number of steps most days.  I love it. I give up candy.  I give up all sugar unless it is in fruit or Captain Morgan but no candy, cakes, brownies, pies, cookies, etc.

July 2012 - I am losing a lot of weight.  I continue talking with the health coach, logging my food and moving my ass.  I am walking, lifting weights and doing yoga.  I do not give into any food temptations.

September 2012 - I have lost about 25 pounds.  I have a 30 year class reunion.  I have a blast.  I am happy with me.  I keep going.  And I am still smoking.

January 2013 - I have lost a little over 40 pounds.  I have not touched sugar since I gave it up.  I have hired the health coach privately now, she is not provided through work anymore.  I love her and feel completely indebted to her.  I am still logging all my food, making smarter choices and working out. I decide to stop smoking, So I do.

May 2013 - I am still going strong.  I decide to run a half marathon.  I have never even raced a 10k. Haven't even raced a 5k since I was in my 20's.  Screw it, I am signed up for a half marathon in September.  It never enters my mind this training is going to be HOT.  I google what I should do to prepare, I put a plan together and I do it.  I have no clue what I am doing but I am too clueless to know I am clueless.

June 2013 - 1 year to the day, my Fitbit breaks.  I do not replace it.  I believe I can do this on my own.  And I do.

September 2013 - I do it.  I finish the half marathon.  I fuel only on water and a few raisins.  I am afraid of getting fat so I do not fuel properly during the race.  I get second in my age group.  I am hooked.  My time is 2:19.  I sign up for another race.

November 2013 - I run the McKinney Mini Half marathon.  My time is 2:11.  (I still know nothing about fueling.  When I think about that I am just amazed at what I did, that I made it).  I sign up for a Turkey Trot 5K, my first Turkey Trot.  My parents and husband think I am nuts. there are thousands of people, no exaggeration.  My time is 27:42.  I never ran a 5K that fast in my life.  Of course in my younger days I ran them hungover, but oh well.  I sign up for the Cowtown Half Marathon, it is in February.

January 2014 - Annual health screening at work.  My numbers are all pretty good. I am still doing all the same things - talking to my health coach, haven't smoked for a year, no sugar, eating well, exercising, etc.  but I have a terrific fear of gaining weight and no matter what the scale says I feel shame.  I don't know what a "good" weight is.  I know what size clothes I like to wear, and I do, but that scale number has f'd me up my entire life, no matter what it says.  I am tired of trying on my own to get over this shame - I go to a psychotherapist.  She's a little bitchy. I like her.

February 2014 - I run the Cowtown half, still no clue on fueling.  Just water and raisins.  I love this race more than the others.  So many people.  So much crowd support.  My time is 2:09.  I am still eating well, talking to my health coach, not smoking, and no sugar.  I am pretty happy with myself.  I need a bigger challenge but I don't know what that is going to be yet. I sign up for another half in April.  Still seeing the psychotherapist.

April 2014 - I read a book called "Brooks First Marathon".  I put my name in the lottery for the Chicago marathon.  I get in! I also write my "story" and send it to Brook.   My "story" runs on Brooks First Marathon FB page,  I have a half marathon the next day.  None of my family saw the story, thank GOODNESS.  The only person that calls me about the story is an old boss.  She only ran one marathon and it was Chicago.  The half marathon kicks my ass, the combo of stress over the story, getting into Chicago, heat, humidity, hills, water and raisins were almost more than my body could take - I was a contorted mess after this race.  My time was 2:13.  I am on a table after the race and they are trying to get me to stop cramping up.  I can not walk without cramping. I am 5 hours from home.  I do not know a soul at this race.

May 2014 - The psychotherapist introduces me to tapping.  I start doing it everyday at lunch time.  It really seems to be helping with the shame I have around the numbers on the scale.  I love this new tool.

June 2014 - I start marathon training with Luke's Locker.  I love it.  I start learning about fueling on a run.  I part ways with the psychotherapist.  I love her and I will miss her.

July 2014 - I join an online group "Inner Circle" from Brooks First Marathon FB page.

August 2014 - I start having what I think are IT band issues but it turns out it is BUT is is all related to hydration with me.  I am introduced to and start taking SaltStick capsules when I work out.  I stop cramping up and the IT issues stop.

September 2014 - I run my first ever 15K.  Hot as Hell.  My time is 1:25.  I run a half marathon in Dallas - time is 2:04.  I am fine with that time because I was not racing - its too close to Chicago to really race.

October 2014 - Chicago!  I meet up with several ladies from the "inner circle" group.  I get pointers from some of them about things I would not know to do in the marathon otherwise.  It is so nice to meet these ladies in person after talking for several months on line.  I chat with several from my running group at home.  My husband is here.  I am not really nervous and I have no doubt I can do this marathon.  I just want to do it.  I try to take in as much of it as I can.  I love it. All of it.  I want to bottle the feeling I have when it is done.  I wait maybe a week before signing up for the Dallas Marathon in December.

November 2014 -My first ever 10K.  I place 2nd in my age group, 5th female.  My time is 50:32.  I got passed at the end of this race, I learn not to slow down before the race is over just because everyone in front of me has crossed the finish line.  Thanksgiving day 5K run - first in my age group, pace is 8:12.

December 2014 - Another first in my age group in a 5K, pace is 8:02.  Then come the Dallas Marathon.  Stabbing pain in my heel right before mile 13.  I do not finish.  I don't like the fact that I am a DNF but I don't kick my own ass over it either and THAT is major progress for me on many many levels.  I start swimming, biking, weights and yoga because I can not run.

January 2015 - I will reach a 2 year anniversary of when I quit smoking this month.  I still have not touched sugar. I have my annual health screening at work.  My numbers freaking rock.  My heel is still jacked up with plantar fasciitis.  I sign up for a Sprint Tri in March. I need a bike and I need to learn to swim better.  I sign up and pay for swim lessons at the YMCA.  They are a disorganized cluster.  They are fired but they don't know it yet.  I am meeting with a highly recommended TRI coach.  Things have a way of working out.  I still talk to my health coach.  We are friends now.

I have come a long way.

Patience Grasshopper

I am so freakin tired of not being able to run.  To run with ease and not having to think about it or feel pain with every single step.  I have not run at all since December 14 until yesterday.  So basically a month.  That was a deadline I gave myself...like I am really in charge of such things.  The reason I set that deadline is because my speed class started yesterday (1/10/15) with Luke's Locker.

We had to run a timed 3 miles to see what group we would be placed in.  I felt pain for that entire 3 miles.  I could not run my best, but I did about the best that I could.  I hope it was good enough to stay with my group of friends from the marathon training...but I guess if it isn't good enough, I will make new friends :)  After running those 3 miles I felt like I had set myself back at least 2 weeks, if not more.  I hurt with every step.  Damn you plantar fasciitis.

I started thinking about all the things I have done to try to "fix" my heel....it is kind of humorous and sad all at the same time because I am SO NOT IN CHARGE.  In no particular order I have done the following:

Went to the doctor (MD), had x-rays, used crutches, prayer, begging prayers, deal making prayers, I sleep in a Strassburg sock every night, I wear a sleeve made by Feetures every single day (I have more than one), shoe inserts, essential oils, salt therapy, water jet therapy, went to see a (new to me) Energy Healer, she did a vibration therapy and a laser therapy on my heel, healing meditations, energy meditations, chakra clearing, legal drugs, lots of alcohol, foot & leg massage, ice water bottles, wooden rollers, plastic spiny ball, ice wraps, heat wraps, salonpas, tape, positive thoughts.....I am sure I am missing a few things but it is enough to say I am not really able to fix this.

That is kind of hard to accept.

God reminded me today of all of the above that I have done and that I can keep on but really I am not in charge.  He didn't tell me I should stop the foolishness already, He simply reminded me the He is in charge.  Funny thing happened once I acknowledged that....I started walking without feeling every single step in my heel.  I am not ready to run yet but I will get there and I just need to relax into it. The timing will be perfect, so I just need to accept it and roll with it....I am so NOT in charge.

First Post of the Year

Goals Goal and more Goals. I love goals.  Honestly, I absolutely love goals.  I need goals.

Side note - My heel feels better today than it has since the Dallas Marathon...I actually feel like I could probably run on it but I won't do it today.  I am signed up for speed training starting next Saturday (1/10/15) - I am going to try my best to just wait until then to run.

In the mean time, I have been swimming, riding and lifting weights, setting goals and signing up for things.

I can only swim about 60 yards without running out of breathe (doing what I have learned is called the front crawl or freestyle?).  I am meeting with a lady at the YMCA today in hopes that she can help me with that.  I haven't shared with her that I only took beginner's swim lessons, and I am not 100% certain I passed the class as I would never dive in the pool.  Oh well.  I have swam 1/2 mile at once, so far, doing a combo of the front crawl and floating on my back.  So, my goal this year is to swim 1 full mile without stopping.  Totally doable, um, once I learn how :)



Biking.  I only do this 30 minutes at a time.  In that amount of time my 'lady parts' are pretty much finished screaming and are just numb.  Not in a good way numb....in a makes me walk funny numb.
My goal, after I actually PURCHASE A BIKE, is to ride for 30 miles with my lady parts in tact.  I believe the seat can be adjusted in such a way that this doesn't happen...otherwise I will prob be standing up most of the time.

Lifting weights - I have been lifting weights once a week for a couple of years now.  That sounds good and looks pretty good as I read it, but here's the deal, I do the SAME freaking routine every single time.  So, I am changing up my routine and incorporating NEW machines in the rotation. YIKES.  I have prided myself on accepting change pretty well but this change has caused a little anxiety for some reason, not sure why.  My goal is the continue adding new machines and not doing the same ones each time.

Other Gym goals include 100 push ups, from the toe.  Currently I am doing 20 consecutive.  Last year I was up to 75 before I hurt my shoulder, so I know 100 is totally doable.  Another random gym goal is 50 handstand push ups.  Currently, I struggle with 1.  This may prove to be my most difficult goal.  Difficult goals are good, right?

I have also decide that I will run a half marathon in 1:45, or less.  THAT is so hauling ass for me it is crazy, but I need crazy.  And I need to "let go" when I am running - I struggle with that but plan on overcoming it this year.  It is mental.  I may need to seek help on it.

Oh, and I signed up for a Sprint Tri on March 15.  Two weeks after the Cowtown Half I am signed up for.  Oh, and it is the day after the Panther City 5K that I am already signed up for. And I don't have a bike yet.  And I can't do the front crawl swim stroke that far yet.  And I haven't run since December 14th.   I am only concerned, because, well, I am not at all concerned.  Freaky.

I have known for a long time that I need a creative outlet in my life.  Creativity brings needed calm and peace to my life so why wouldn't I just do it already?  Well, I guess most of the time when I have "free time" my initial thought is "let's go to the sports bar, Tammy" and off I go.  So, I am training myself to at least stop and think through if that is REALLY what I want to do, if it is I see if I can compromise and wait an hour, do something creative, then go see my peeps at the Sports Bar. Sometime creativity wins, sometimes it doesn't but I am setting my intention to have creativity be a bigger, purposeful, part of my life.  My goal is to have creativity time at least once a week.

I received a link to setting your word for the year (created by Christine Kane) and my word is Openness.  It is honestly the perfect word for me.  My lack of Openness holds me back from all sorts of other things.  That being said, I am going to share a link to this blog with an on-line group I am in very soon...and I will not go back and edit any earlier posts.  

Big. Hairy. Step. For. Me.